American Damage 3

Part 3

I have been confronted recently with having to reconcile my feelings about certain aspects of day to day life. Things that were once thought to be "lower" than where I was/or am are becoming more and more a part of who I am/what I do.

This is what I like to call the evolution of a man. When we are in a comfortable space, it is very easy to cast judgments, stereotype and down-play others' lifestyles.

I have grown simply from trying to be more understanding of other people. It takes some patience to try and see the world from behind someone else's eyes. I'll admit it, I most of the time don't concern myself with others. I stick to what I need to know. Me. But sometimes, people provide me with the material on which I will focus.

I can be very harsh sometimes, but the world will never feel regretful for being just as harsh towards me. I try my best to be accomodating, so I can be left alone. If you get too involved, people think you care. I cannot have people getting me wrapped up in their world. I have enough to worry about...this doesn't involve you.

When I get involved, its instinct. A woman drops her bag on the train, I pick it up and hand it to her. Its not because I care about her, but more because of manners and not wanting her fumbling around on the floor making it that much harder to be left alone. I see the problem. I create a solution that makes the least amount of involvement of me and you possible.

Am I damaged? Maybe. I would be a lot worse if I had pieces of me floating around in the drama of everyone I encountered. The way I see it. Its self-preservation. Keeping me to me and you to you.

As long as we do not interact, we will not complicate each other, or better yet, you will not complicate me. I mean no disrespect. I just do not care for you or your kind. Hate. Too strong? Ask me again. Hate. Dislike is not a strong enough word. Hate. Fits the bill. No disrespect. Hate.

I use this tactic when observing and opening my mind to new ideas and people. I open the windows but the not the door. I look but do not attempt to touch. I observe without questions. I want to draw my own conclusions about things. I don't want you history book of answers. I don't want to have a conversation with you, but I want to observe you in your natural environment. Like an animal in a zoo. Caged for me to learn. Learn to avoid you. Learn to accept, avoid and possibly dominate you. Hate.

Wire Lure

You may recognize the change.
You may choose to ignore it.
You may accept and embrace it.
You may choose to destroy it.

You may regret the change you made.
You may think nothing of it.
You may wish you could take it back.
You may break wide open or plummet.

You may see it in the distance.
You may think you see it but don't.
You may see it and be afraid.
You may steal it, sell it, and never know.

You may fall into to shadow.
You may wish you looked beforehand.
You may have meant to fall so far.
You may choose to sit or stand.

You are the wire lure.
The wire lure that breaks your smile.
You are the wire lure.
The wire lure, the sickness is so vile.

Not Feeling It...

Today I am just not feeling it.

Can't get inspired. Can't get out of this rut.

Burned through a workout this morning and felt wrecked afterwards. Other than that, today seems like going through the motions. I just want to be at home, where I can relax.

Bought a DVD this weekend, and I got it on the basis that some poor retail employee forgot to take down the sale sign. I know how to play that game. I worked in that business for years, and I know what to look for. Man, they hate the shit out of you when they know you're kind of an "insider."

So, the movie is, "I'm Not There." The Bob Dylan biopic played by many different people. Haven't seen it yet, but the special edition 2-disc for 6.99 isn't a bad deal at all. Looking forward to watching it.

Continuing to write lyrics like nobody's business. Write. Write. Write. Everything gets written. There are some really terrible things, but at the same time, there are some gems.

Figured out how to shave thirty minutes off the bus ride home. Trying that out today.

Listening to The Germs "MIA:The Complete Germs"

Wishing I was playing music right now instead of beating my brain into a pulp as i try to dig some motivation to work.

American Damage 1 & 2

Part 1

Yesterday, I didn't have a whole lot of time to write this post, so today you get a two for one special.

My usual routine was followed, and I was downtown waiting for the train. The sky was overcast with spots of obvious rain and darkness. The wind blew violently down the corridors carved by the buildings, and there was a smell in the air that is usually typical of Fall in Houston. Given it is the middle of August, we aren't even close to Fall yet. I wondered whether this was just a nice break from the usual weather or something apocalyptic was happening. It's not that I actually believed that some doomsday thing was actually happening, but I must be paranoid about everything. It is in my nature to suspect that the worst will happen.

So...I am standing there with the masses waiting for our carriage to arrive, swoop us up, and take us away. Almost immediately, a man on a bicycle came riding up across the street from the stop, and he was yelling in anger about his sins, lies, and plain old being human. He then stops, looks at everyone waiting for the train and begins to scream his rants in our direction. Telling us all that we (collectively) are essentially going to burn for all eternity, and that he knows sin is what we are made from. Its as if he believes that at 7:15am people actually care what the fuck he is thinking or saying. A few minutes go by, and I realize this guy is still going. I look around to observe what other people are making of this guy.

The gay couple standing next to me were mid-sentence interrupted in their conversation when this guy began, and now that he is essentially singling-out people and damning them to hell, the couple turned away and start their initial conversation following one of the guys saying, "I don't have to listen to this crap."

There were quite a few people who I am positive did not speak english because they di not look up even once in acknowledgment of the antics.

Then there were those that were like me. Checking watches for the time, peeking out into the rail track to see where the train was, or just trying to figure out what set this guy off.

Just before the train pulled up to the stop, I noticed a huge gust of wind blow down the road, and it nearly knocked this guy off of his bike. He was very frail. Like he has spent the bulk of his life barely living. I looked up, and the sky was churning with gray. At this exact moment, the man continued his hellfire and brimstone rants, and I pressed play on my ipod to immediately drown the man out.

Glenn Danzig's voice lit up the speakers in my headphones with the song Halloween off of the 12 Hits from Hell album that never got released.

It was amazing how perfect the timing was for that to happen.


Part 2

What is it about people these days? Why are we so quick to run to the lawyers? What happened to just sucking it up and moving on? I am so sick and tired of hearing about how somebody else is offended by someones opinion.

This morning I heard a story on Fox News where they were discussing the new Ben Stiller movie, Tropic Thunder. The were going over the fact hat the movie uses the term "retard" a lot to describe the mentally retarded, and their are "rights" groups protesting the movie because of these words.

Let me first say that people are retards. What is wrong with using that word? Its in a movie, and now they want it banned?! Gimme a break. You can't ban words. It's retarded.

To all of the idiots out there that take offense to little things like this, please do us a favor and go fuck yourselves. I have a great deal of respect for mentally retarded people and their ability to get through life in spite of the tremendous struggles they face, but c'mon! Enough is enough.

Grow some skin, get a life, and have some fun. Stop trying to ban words because when taken out of context, you were offended. Learn to laugh at our differences, not in hate or disgust, but in the fact that if we can just learn to laugh at our unique characteristics, then we may actually be more understanding in the long run.

This is is just disguised censorship. It is disguised intolerance. Anyone who thinks otherwise must be one of them.

Audible Function: Before the fall: Songs I was listening to before 9/11/01

Greetings from the land of nostalgia. This week's playlist is a trip down memory lane. Sometimes there are things that trigger memories, and today is one of those days. The day is overcast, the sky is gray, and the wind is slightly blowing like there might be a cool down (even though it doesn't actually cool off here until November). When days like this roll around, I am reminded of being in college and experiencing a lot of things for the first time. Listening to music and hanging with new friends and old ones. This playlist is a fraction of what I was listening to at the time. No descriptions this time, but here is the tracklisting. Enjoy!

http://onewaygun.muxtape.com

1. At the Drive-In - Enfilade

2. The Murder City Devils - Johnny Thunders

3. The Faint - Let the Poison Spill From Your Throat

4. The Misfits - Hybrid Moments

5. Refused - New Noise

6. Blood for Blood - Nothing for You (live)

7. A.F.I. - Third Season

8. Face to Face - Disappointed

9. Social Distortion - Don't Drag Me Down

10. Boysetsfire - (Compassion) As Skull Fragments on the Wall

11. Avail - Nickel Bridge

12. Mike Ness - Big Iron

Mondays in general...

Mondays in general are terrible. You come off of the weekend having adjusted to the less active lifestyle that the weekend provides, and you are immediately hit with alarm clocks and schedules.

4:45am - Wake up, open my eyes to feel the burn of light blasting through my semi-opened lids. Get up, drag my ass to the bathroom to get my work out clothes on. Confronted by the dog, who is nothing short of way-too-damn-energetic at this point in the morning. Get dressed, gather my ipod, dog and wife and we head out to go running.

5:45am - Back from running. My body wants me dead. It feels like a thousand fists punching me in unison, and I can't get away. Sweat pours out of me like water from a faucet, and I am feeling light-headed from the hard run. It is good. Feeling wrecked only makes me stronger in the end.

6:45am- Breakfast behind me, I am in the process of closing down the house before we leave. Brandy is in the kitchen giving the dog his medicine, and we are out the door shortly after. In the car listening to the fragments of different talk-radio programming on Sirius. It never fails that they all go to commercial at the same time in the morning. Nothing of real interest this morning. Everyone is amazed at John Edwards' affair. Are you kidding? He's a politician in a position of power, what makes you think he is honest in any way? Get over it. You cheat. He's a cheater. Politicians are lying scum. I knew it.

7:10am - Parked, said our goodbyes, and off to work. Brandy goes up the elevator and go down the train. Its a lottery getting on the train in the mornings. Sometimes its empty and calm, and sometimes its busy and crowded. This morning was the latter of the two. Not too bad though. Got to sit and read. Black Coffee Blues is a really entertaining read.

7:40am - At work, co-workers already working hard on grinding the ole stones away at their day. We don't all have the luxury of getting out of here at 3pm. Checking emails, answering calls. Prioritizing my jobs, and not feeling all the energetic.

8:00am - Busy, but still bored with the current level of exciting work I have. Its either something I am tired of looking at or something I was never that psyched about to begin with.

11:30am - Lunch. Internet is screwy. Email is broken. What a great way to start off the day. Oh well. I will read and write instead. I do not suffer from what the media refers to as Internet Addiction. Please. Unplug your computers, turn off your phones, and stop visiting myspace. Problem solved.

12:44pm - Still not a whole lot going on. This is probably what the day will be like for the rest of it.
Boring. Sad. Lifeless.

Until later...

Never Too Late...

Yesterday I went out to Katy because band practice was canceled. Sometimes shit happens and you just roll with it.

Going out to Katy is always a little surreal because it feels like time travel. Spending most of my formative years in Katy, I have come to loathe the idea of being out there, however, I still have affinities for certain places where memories were made.

Going out to Derek's place is always a good experience because hanging at his place brings back some good ole times that just don't happen as often anymore. We usually try to formulate some songs, talk some shit, rehash music tastes and ideas, and sometimes we just hang and BS each other.

When Harv passed, I thought I'd have a hard time going out there and having to walk right passed his room knowing he'd never be back there. Death is a strange thing. If you let it consume you, it will. I never really had to deal with the death of someone who made such an impact on me as a kid. I know that it must have been and still is hard for Derek and his parents to deal with it, and I know that the loss I feel is a fraction of what they feel.

Recently, I got involved in a project to help make the music of Summer Band available to people for the first time in an organized way. Derek had the DVD of the only Summer Band show to ever be played, and we watched. It was great to Harv at his best. He was having a blast, and I wish I could've been there in person. Without technology, this wouldn't be possible. It was great to see the music and the friendship again.

Sometimes I am reminded of how much space gets placed between people as we grow older. Harvey and Derek and myself were always friends, but we had all been in different places for the past few years. Thats what happens. Life takes you places that you don't realize until you stop and look around and realize that you are alone. Your friends are gone. Its just you and the strangers.

I try not to think that I should've made more of an effort to see Harv. Its not right. We lived the way we chose. We saw what we chose to see. Life can convolute living. It can complicate things. Harv and I were friends til the day he died. I had spoken with him just two weeks prior and he was bummed about not being able to make it out to see my band play. I foolishly thought to myself that there would be other times to hang. I was wrong.

I don't regret. But I miss him. He was a great guy. He had the world going for him, and it was all taken away that night. He will live on in all of his friends hearts and minds. He is a part of all of us. I cannot get over just how similar he and Derek are. It sucks that it takes a tragedy to make you realize that life is totally worth living. Never. Take. It. For. Granted.

Harv will be missed. He is forever 24. Youthful memories will sustain the happiness that he gave any and all who encountered him.

It really is never too late to start living.

Glass Skin

I walk through the parking garage in the mornings. As I make my way down the stairs, I notice the standing water/trash mixture that waits for the unsuspecting foot to slip into. I try not to let it overcome me, but it is too big for me and it wins. I slip down the last four steps into the wall.

Shocked and annoyed, I gain my composure and check myself for damage. I look around and hope that nobody notices the events that just transpired. What would it have to look like from an onlookers perspective? "Man, that guy just ate shit!" Fuck people. Always waiting for you to fall, waiting for me to fall. Salivating at the chance to put me down and feel more alive than ever before. They need a reason to live, so I guess its my job to provide them with reasons. This morning I failed. Nobody witnessed it. I was as safe as could be from the public scrutiny.

Through the lobby, I make my way to the street. I am hit with the stench of cleaning products trying to wash away last night's urine streams on the ground. Its a sickly sweet smell that is similar to that of a chain smoker trying to cover smoke with perfume. It just screams, "hey, I stink! I tried to hide it though." Please. Those people are so transparent. I'd have more respect for you if you'd just leave it alone. Hiding it makes you look weak. Are you afraid that someone will smell your foul BO? We all have it, so who gives a fuck.

After dodging the mop that nearly soaked my feet with piss-water, I make my way to the train station, and I notice it is just pulling away from the stop. No need to hurry, I'll be waiting for six minutes anyway. I couldn't help but notice the amount of vagrants and homeless that are sleeping on the sides of the rails. Its such irony that the very place where the rich, money-making power-brokers walk to work and commute in is the very place that the homeless people sleep on and use as their toilet.

The real thing is that I believe that most people have taught themselves to ignore the poor bastards. They don't even see the people begging for money. They don't recognize them as real. Its not happening. I'm not listening.

When you have everything at your disposal, all you do is dispose. When you don't have anything, all you do is sift through the disposal. You become the disposal. The problem persists and continues to grow.

I do not advocate supporting the homeless by giving them money or whatever. It is not my job to fund someone else's life, but it is not my job to ignore them either. They are still people. They still have a pulse. I don't know how they ended up on the streets. I don't care. But I do care about people who blatantly ignore things like they'll just go away. It's a terrible lie.

So anyway, I finally get on the train and decide that since there are open seats, I will sit and read. Rather than just moving in, the guy gets up, barely moves out of my way and then I sit next to him. Sorry dude. I apologize for wanting to utilize the seats provided by the transit people. I listened to my tunes and read my book. I looked up a few times to see where we were, but really I was just waiting for the masses to exit. I don't mind a crowd, but this morning crowd of angry fucks can get to you after a while. Everyone feels like they have the right to be in a bad mood in the morning. Why? Because you hate your job? Fuck it, quit. What? You can't? Pussy, stop complaining. I might not be a walking ray of sunshine, but I am at least amiable. I don't try to walk around with a sense of entitlement or arrogance. In fact, I try to do my best to stay out of people's way. I don't want to encounter you, and you do not want to encounter me.

It is always an experience when you make your way through this city. Its not like the other major U.S. cities, but it has it fair share of fucked up things about it.

Audible Function: Collect Your Feelings! Then Punch them repeatedly until you can't feel them anymore.

Feeling a wave of inspiration, I continue the stream of filth from my mind. Here is a new playlist from my friends over at Muxtape. It really is a great service. Simple. Easy to use. Anyway, shameless plug for them ends...now.

onewaygun.muxtape.com

Dead Low Tide - Navy Buttons
Formed in the wake of Murder City Devils break-up, DLT keep the salt grit of MCD's going with their own brand of Seattle rock that can easily give the listener sea-sickness after playing.

Henry Rollins - My War
Recorded as part of the tribute album to benefit the WM3, this song is amazingly produced and it strikes harder than the original version by Black Flag. One of my favorite songs ever written.

Refused - Dead Rhythm
Sweden's premier hardcore cross-over band is nothing short of brilliant on their last full-length before self-destruction. You can actually hear the tension between members on this album which is what makes it so great. Good things come from cooperation. Great things are forged during tense, rage-filled moments.

Bobby Byrd - Hot Pants (I'm coming...)
Bobby Byrd is probably unknown to most of my peers, however, this song is very 'rock' in my opinion. I really dig a lot of that soul stuff because it was pure rebellion at its finest. Go back to the sixties as a black man and tell me it was easy to live let alone write provactive and rockin' music without the risk of being lynched by scared angry white people. This shit sounds tame by today's standards, but it is rebellion before it had a name.

Against Me! - So Much More
B-side track from New Wave. They recently released the 5-song EP digitally, and I keep asking myself why they didn't tack it onto the full length. These songs are just as good as the others. Anyway, enjoy.

Gorillaz - Rock the House
Still one of my favorite tunes from the band brings some of the best pop sounds around. It's funky, and it makes me want to strut my shit around.

NOFX - The Longest Line
Taken from the "They've actually gotten worse - Live" album. This is a classic NOFX song, and thats pure and simple the only reason I included the song.

Mastadon - Bladecatcher
Mastadon saved metal. They bring the ferocity and brutality that all the other pseudo metal bands have been lacking. Amazing shit.

Metallica - The Four Horsemen
Quite possibly the greatest Metallica song ever written, this song was the sirens call to the world that metal would reign supreme until 1991 when the Black album killed it all. Too bad. I am forced to live in the past, but who says thats a bad thing?

Foo Fighters - Let it Die
Latest single from the FF. I always like anything this band does. Its good, catchy rock music. It's appealing on a mass scale, but it doesn't too often veer into the annoying status.

The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again
Everyone needs a song that makes them want to be sad. This band is nothing short of that, so I randomly picked a song. Here it is. Welcome to the sad festival.

Sonic Youth - Teenage Riot
This song is a great song to choose for any new Sonic Youth listeners out there. While much of their material is experimental and unaccessible to the typical music fan, this song is enough to sink your teeth into. Check out more shit if you aren't familiar.

3+2 Special: New Lyrics

Riding the 50 in the city on the way home from work is an inspiring trip. I can draw from the energy of this town and turn it in to something new and expressive. Here is my attempt to reconcile certain things around me as I make my way home. Enjoy.

Vagrant City

Watching the rivers swell
Like urine in the streets
Feeling the burning fire
I've been home about a week

When I look at you
All I see is nothing

Watching the cattle feed
Like drunks at a liquor store
Why don't I give 'em all I got
My money, my food, and more

I don't look at you
It's like you don't exist
___________________

Whine

I can't spend all my life
Wondering what could've been
It's time to start living
I don't want to miss my friends

There's no such thing as fate
It's all decisions that you choose
So why'd you blame your problems
On the lifestyle and the booze?
__________________________

Jack Rippers

Jack Rippers
Jack Rippers
Jack Rippers
Jack Rippers

We're coming like pirates in the night
Violent storms are moving in
We're coming like cowboys in the west
We'll be your shit-eating grin!
________________________

Coat Check

Watch your step
it's not your turn
watch your step
when will you learn?

watch your mouth
you can't say that in here
watch your mouth
why don't you just have some fear

your weakness makes me strong
your suffering cures my sickness
____________________________

Half-cocked

Load the gun
check it twice
won't this feeling
be real nice?

place the gun
in your mouth
this is what living
is all about

sometimes life just isn't for living
sometimes you gotta take the one you're given

guns, no glory
guns, no worries